Planning Ahead

October 21, 2008

Dear Red States:
     We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.  In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio — they are seriously considering it. We’ve given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we’re dropping the middle states we’re calling it United America, or simply the U.A.
     To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma, and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We’re keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole’ Miss.  We get Harvard and 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
     Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire. We’d rather spend it on taking care of sick people, and educating our children.
     With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias, and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
    Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe you are people with higher morals then we Bluies.
     Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States
[This letter was received courtesy of my sister and brother-in-law who know a good deal when they spot one.]

  1. Emily says:


    Hahaha! So awesome. I loved this, almost as much as this (Being a former gamer myself): (OK, so maybe non-gamers wouldn’t like that link as much as yours ;0P)

  2. Ariel says:

    I WANNA COME TOO! Could Washington and Oregon just kind of annex Idaho? Just the West half- they can keep eastern Idaho…

  3. MyEye says:

    We will have a liberal immigration policy like that embraced by our foremothers. Of course you may come over.

  4. Hey! The University of Michigan got left out of the top schools!!!


    Aside from that small omission, Amen Sister.


    ps — tried to respond to your recent email but it bounced. So lovely to hear such kind words!!!!!

  5. We also get Costco …

  6. MyEye says:

    With New Mexico, Colorado and Nevada turning blue, we’ve also cornered some of the best skiiing in North America (really too bad about Utah), as well as preserving the best green chile in the world!

  7. Ariel (Digits) says:

    One of the blogs I read posed the hypothetical question of what would we do to survive if the US went all the way gone. My answer was:
    I shall take control of Idaho, Washington and Oregon- Forming a new country, of which I will be QUEEN.
    I will declare war on Alaska and loot Utah!
    The whole “declaring war and looting” thing kinda puts a damper on a “peaceful agrarian society” but ideally that’s what I’d want. When I wasn’t looting Utah, that is.
    I don’t have all of the kinks worked out, yet….

    Anyway, kind of fits in 🙂

  8. Garrett says:

    Oh my goodness I LOVE THIS POST! I’m all for it!

  9. Jeri says:

    I can’t believe you all would give me to the redcoats so easily…

  10. MyEye says:

    No, no, Jeri, we’re going to rescue you and Ariel and bring you to an enlightened state before the division.